Fear and Loathing in the House

Dear Chroniclers,

another rainy Saturday passes at the House. The Hounds have been walked, reallyfried has visited and mrs electrofried continues to struggle with the alien life-form that arrived in her Christmas stocking, courtesy of Cook, just a few weeks ago.

The lights of doom

The alien in question, if fading eyesight serves me right, goes by the inexplicably mis-spelled name of "Sonny, the DVD recorder", the words writ large in letters red, black and bold on the carton in which it arrived. And now, unpacked, it sits skulking in the corner of the TV Lounge.

The little green flashing lights that illuminate its fascia refuse stubbornly to co-operate with either the complementary remote-controller we found secreted amongst the wood-shavings at the bottom of the carton, or our own sturdy, valve-operated teak-clad edifice of a TV set. We are, dear Chroniclers, currently at something of an electronic impasse.

A matter of no little import

Having made discrete enquiries of the local Trading Standards Office, we are lead to believe Cook may have acquired the wretched thing via some dubious bartering at a recent Little Wittering car-boot sale. Rumour has it bottles of cheap Turnip Gin may have exchanged hands.

Worse still, we suspect from the "Made in Slovenia" label sellotaped loosely to the bottom of the devilish instrument, that we may be in possession of what might politely be described as a grey import. Certainly, Cook has previous form in the dark world of counterfeit consumer-goodery. Two previous convictions stamped on her "Care in the Community" order bear witness to this - as she took great pride in telling us some little while ago, having just entered indentured service with the House of electrofried.

So it appears likely, despite our careful nurturing of the florid-faced woman, that she has made a return to ways of old. And whilst we're on the subject, Fetlock the Butler was not entirely impressed either with the Louis Vuitton handbag and matching sock-suspenders that were his Christmas Box lot from Cook this year.

Puzzling Instructions

Back to our TV Lounge, and the silvery machine continues to remain a Sphinx-like electronic mystery - not even the hieroglyphics of an accompanying instruction manual can unravel its arcane inner-workings.

If truth be known, the booklet is as impenetrable as "Sonny" itself. It speaks in strange, acronymic tounges of "HDD" and "SLP", it reels off bizarre algaebraic formulae such as "DVD - RW/DVD - R" and "DVD = R DL" and then, to top it all, it contains perplexing entreaties to select a pattern from "A" through "E" according to our input jack.

So far as mrs electrofried and I are concerned, we have no input jack, at least none of which we are aware. And even if we did, we would be loathe to entrust it to the vagaries of a Slovenian grey import of uncertain jurisdiction.

A spring in the air

Had it not been for the interjection of Fetlock's feather duster, then matters may have rested there - a sullen, uncommunicative object glued to the floor of the TV Lounge. Not unlike our own, darling teenygoth, come to think of it. But no, our faithful retainer sprang into action earlier this Saturday morning with unexpected alacrity!

He was stationed at the time by the front door to the House, talking to the spot-encrusted delivery-boy from Mrs Puri's 24/7 Balti'n'Booze Emporium, ("Chicken Vindaloo and super-strength continental lagers our speciality"), the poor lad being the latest victim of his ongoing attempts to master the art of casual English conversation. Hearing mrs electrofried's plaintive cries of despair as she locked swords once more with the combined might of "Sonny the Sphinx" and the unintelligible instruction manual, Fetlock broke off talks to make haste toward the TV Lounge.

His parting words to the frankly bewildered youth were,"Mi lahko daste kak ne prospekte o Bledu in okolici v angle ini?", which roughly translated means, "Could you give me some brochures about Bled and the surrounding region in English?" And with that cryptic observation, he scooped up his trusty feather-duster in one hand and made his way down the Hall.

Fettled and dusted

Fetlock's mastery of the feather-duster is a thing of beauty and a joy to behold. Quite who schooled him in the ancient art of dust-removal, or indeed, why, remains a mystery to us all - but something for which we in the House are eternally grateful. Suffice to say that even the most Herculean of domestic-cleansing chores (to wit, the annual spring-clean of the living quarters allotted to young teenygoth) are no match for the electrofried's Butler extraordinaire once he in full flight.

And in full flight he most definitely was this morning. Fetlock appeared at the door to the TV Lounge, feather-duster clenched tightly between his teeth, and promptly proceeded to leap, ninja-like, the length of the room.

"Do not be fretting, electrofried mrs." he pronounced, duster to the ready.

"Fetlock curing it, he will!"

It was all over in a flash. The duster bobbed and weaved its way across the fascia of "Sonny the Sphinx" until at last it yielded its treasure. A secret compartment slid open to reveal a tray into which DVDs should be placed. To our astonishment, its crude plastic mouldings contained not a silver-circled disc, but rather a badly decomposed turnip.

Fetlock assured us this was quite standard practice in more rural areas of Slovenia, where mass-produced consumer frivolities are often put to good use in storing the winter essentials. The turnip duly removed, he bowed deeply to the lady of the House before making his way back down the Hall.

My biggest mistake

All appeared to be going well at this juncture. "Sonny the Sphinx" was now primed and ready for action, its flashing green lights duly compliant for the first time since its Christmas unveiling.

So why or why, did I elect to carry out the programming?

Cream teas and "Rain"

I might have known it would all back-fire with hideous consequences.

The Very Reverend Giblets, our encumbant at the Church for the Terminally Bewildered Anglican, chose to pay a passing visit to the House this same afternoon. As cruel fate would have it, he was accompanied by several parents of good-standing in the parish, their assorted offspring all regulars at the Youth Group run by mrs electrofried and I.

With teenygoth gagged and secured discretely out of sight behind the aspidistra, Cook was duly despatched to the kitchens to make up some light cream teas. Meanwhile, as mrs electrofried assembled the expectant parents around the TV set, I duly loaded up "Sonny the Sphinx" with an uplifting but thoroughly modern Christian DVD (such things do exist) called "Rain" by the rather splendid Nooma team.

"Let's show you the sort of things your children are watching with us on Sunday evenings."

Having effected the introductions, mrs electrofried, gesticuled in my direction to press the Play button. Little did I realise there were in fact two Play buttons. I hit the one for the hard-drive and made my way back to the sofa as these words from my dearly beloved rang out across an otherwise hushed room:

"Electrofried, what on earth have you done???????"

Mint Hotel madness

I really should know better, but ever since my teenage years I have been a closet affecianado of the works of the sadly deceased Hunter S. Thompson. His classic, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", has long been a favourite of mine and it would have been churlish not to have recorded the film version when it was aired a few days ago on terrestrial TV.

Those familiar with Thompson's drug-raddled journalistic style will no doubt recollect the infamous scene from the book when Dr. Gonzo checks into the Mint Hotel heavily under the influence of mescaline. Terry Gilliam's faithful interpretation of this vision from Hades saw a group of astonished parents nearly choke on their scones and jam as "Sonny the Sphinx" spluttered into action.

A now silent audience watched in disbelief as a hideous tableaux unfurled on the screen before them - Mint Hotel patrons transformed by the evil drug into rampant, reptilian blood-letting monsters. You could have heard a pin drop ...

Banished to the Tower

The Youth Group seemed strangely quiet this weekend. I hear rumours our tenure as leaders may shortly be coming to an end as once more I've been banished to the Tower...

... and all I have to keep me company are the flashing lights of "Sonny the Sphinx" and three months worth of the omnibus edition of "Eastenders"". I shall keep a stout heart as I complete my penance.

yours as ever,

electrofried (mr)

Loud music - Soft drinks

Dear Chroniclers,

after a whirlwind weekend or two, we're taking some time off tonight to put our feet up.

It all has to do with teenygoth's ASBO'n'soft drinks Youth Group at our local parish church in Little Wittering, of which more later.

Pickled and mixed

Regrettably, I have to report that Cook has taken the opportunity to launch yet another spirited attack on the House gin supplies. She's currently to be found sashaying around the TV Room doing the televisual equivalent of a karaoke to "Strictly Come Dancing" whilst draped in an alarming selection of pastry-cutters from the kitchen.

To compound the problem, Fetlock the Butler has recently emerged as triumphant winner in a protracted e-bay auction for a box of mixed turnips. They arrived, mail order from his native Slovenia, earlier this week and he's upstairs in the garrett peeling off the bubble-wrap as we speak. Fetlock intends to put the wretched things to good use shortly, having misguidedly promised to assist Cook with the preparation of Sunday lunch.

The omens, frankly, are not good and a certain unease has already settled on the House as to what the two of them may concoct come the morning. Turnip fritters appear a distinct possibility.

A new mission

Enough of our trials and tributlations - let's return to the theme for tonight's pasting.

Perhaps out of concern as to Cook's ongoing alcoholic challenges, or maybe a little closer to home, a general malaise concerning our own state of moral turpitude, but both mrs electofried and I have been contemplating a change of ministry for some time now.

Whilst mrs electrofried's regular dj slot at our local Women's Institute (the infamous "Loud, Proud and Homebaked") and my own irregular talks to the great unwashed of Little Wittering continue to enjoy a certain following, it has become abundantly clear to us of late there is much need to do more.

The chosen path

"You're kidding me!!!!", was teenygoth's immediate response.

We took this as positive affirmation following mrs electrofried's announcement that we were shortly to join the leadership of the Youth Team at St Simeon's, the Church for the Terminally Bewildered Anglican in Little Wittering.

Regrettably, for teenygoth at least, we weren't and we have ... and great fun it is too!

Windy vantage

The Church for the TBA is to be found at the top of a large hill, overlooking the market square below. Most weekends the youth of the village can be found gathered at this dark and windy vantage point, swapping homework notes on such interesting subjects as Chemistry, Biology and the like.

Evidence of their study is invariably to be found behind the Chancel wall come Sunday morning services, but is usually removed fairly speedily by the Verger before the first of our dear ladies arrive for Matins.

There is however, a new attraction on the hill!

Open for Business

After months of powerful and intense liturgical debate concerning its name, the imaginatively titled, "St Simeon's Church Centre" has opened once more for business. It's a 1950's warehouse of a thing, recently refurbished with copious quantities of EEC money and now suitably bedecked with fancy electronic doors, a new plumbing system and a kitchen clearly designed by a male dwarf with a wicked sense of humour.

And it is here mrs electrofried and I now ply our trade to the passing and frankly bemused young-folk of Little Wittering.

Musical Youth

Opening events for the Centre focussed on all things musical and I'm delighted to say yours truly was asked to fetch out the Box brownies and a box of freshly emulsioned glassy plates.

Mrs electrofried too, was pressed into early action - her role being to crew the lighting rig cunningly fashioned from a torch masked with various coloured wrappers purloined from a half-emptied tin of her beloved Quality Street.

A specimen example appears above - the "Vanilla Fudge Special", if memory serves me correct.

Tales to follow

I sense that as our ministry unfolds there will be much to share with you. Already, after just four weeks in situ, the weekends have sped past in a blur of loud music, soft drinks and general chit-chattery with a burgeoning and highly diverse group of young-folk - some churched, many not.

However, the lure of "X-Factor (reloaded)" calls to me from the TV Room. And I suspect from the loud crash within that poor Cook's karaoke has hit the bumpers yet again.

best regards

electrofried (mr)

Amish History and Culture

Dear Chroniclers,

as you will have gathered from earlier pastings, our American adventure took place in Pennsylvania, temporal home to one of the largest Amish communities in the world.

We were very fortunate indeed to have not one, but two marvellous tour guides who know the community well. Accordingly we were granted access to places that would not normally feature on the tourist map.

Set out below is the verbatim text from some furious scribblings made at the back of the tour bus during the course our first visit to the Amish. These record a few basic points concerning their history and culture which I hope may enable you to make sense of later pastings as the story unfolds.

best regards

electrofried (mr)


About the Anabaptists

The Amish are anabaptists, a Christian movement that believes in adult baptism through informed choice, rather than by proxy during infancy. Their roots lie in the Protestant reformation of the sixteenth century and their spiritual heritage dates back to the origins of Christianity.

Many similarities can be seen with the early church, in particular the emphasis on sound teaching, close fellowship and a simple, humble approach to living out the Christian life. An oft-quoted passage from scripture encapsulates this perfectly:

"What does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God"

(Micah6:8)

Division and Development

Over time, the anabaptist movement has been subject to many divisions and developments. One of the most significant occured in 1536 when a Catholic priest from the Netherlands called, Menno Simmons, joined the movement.

His leadership helped bring together a number of scattered anabaptists who soon became known as Mennonites.They went on to spread out across Europe and, to this day, retain strongholds in Georgia and the Ukraine. The Menonnites continue to place great store on pacifism.

In many ways the Menonnites are similar to the Amish, and often live side-by-side with their more conservative "cousins".

The Amish

The Amish are yet another branch of the anabaptist movement. They began life in 1693 under the guidance of Jacob Amman, a young Swiss Mennonite leader. Jacob was concerned about the growing liberalism within the wider anabaptist movement.

He had a more conservative approach to faith and ended up establishing a new division of anabaptism. As with the Mennonites, this branch took on, in time, the name of its leader. Accordingly, its followers became known as the Amish.

Under Attack

As the seventeenth century began, the new Amish communities came under increasing threat. They were widely persecuted in Europe and many of their leaders were put to death. Their communities sustained further damage as a consequence of both the intercenine wars that beset Europe during this period and the famines that followed.

But a way out was offered ...

William Penn

William Penn, like many other Christian non-conformists, was subject to religious persecution, ending up at one point in the Tower of London. He was a Quaker, committed to change through peaceful means.

Fortunately, William was related to Admiral Penn.

The Admiral was a supporter of the royals during a time of struggle in the UK. King Charles I was indebted to him as a consequence - however, rather than repaying in money, the King elected instead to settle the debt by donating several large tracts of land in America. These eventually ended up in the hands of William Penn.

Formation of a new State

William was a visionary thinker who believed people could live in a state of peace and harmony despite having different religious convictions. He was determined to put these beliefs in practice, and therefore, as a grand "Holy Experiment" opened up his new possessions in the States to all who shared his views.

The Amish were quick to take up his offer of free land and the flight to America began in earnest around 1720. Significant numbers of European Amish left from the port of Rotterdam in Holland and set sail across the Atlantic to Philadelphia.

Following their arrival, many of them journeyed to what is now known as the County of Lancaster some 60-70 miles from Philadelphia. Previously Lancaster was inhabited only
by a few British settlors. It now houses one of the largest Amish communities in the world.

The growth of the Amish community

The new immigrants discovered a rich, fertile farmland in Pennsylvania which continues to this day to deliver the highest rate of agricultural production in the States.

In time, the Amish spread - they have now established communities in twenty-two US States together with the Canadian State of Ontario. The County of Lancaster remains a stronghold and some 150,000 Amish now live there.

On average, each Amish family has seven children and their numbers continue to grow. Unfortunately, as land becomes scarce, this means that many can no longer become farmers, the long-standing occupation of choice for the Amish. Instead, they have turned their hands to work as bakers, carpenters, dealers and repairers of agricultural machinery, builders and the like.

Amish dress - Female

The Amish have a distinctive dress and are known as the "plain people" for good reason.

Amish women wear a plain dress in the colour of their choice, usually increasingly muted as they grow older. Over this they wear a black pinafore, fastened either with flat pins or press-studs (known in the States as "snaps"). Buttons are regarded as frivolous. Accordingly they are either not used at all or are added in matching colour to make them inconspicuous.

Younger children will wear only the dress in Summer, but come the Winter they too will add a pinafore for warmth.

Amish girls are normally bare-headed, but as they approach teenage years will wear a blue bonnet on formal occasions. On becoming teenagers this changes to black - and, in due course, if they marry, to white.

The bonnet reflects the religious conviction of the Amish, which stems from a passage in Paul's first Letter to the Corinthians, that a woman's head should be covered when she is in prayer. As their life is an ongoing prayer the bonnet is worn at all times.

The outfit is completed by black stockings and plain black shoes - though Amish children are permitted a slightly more liberal regime. Come Summer they usually go barefoot - and some will wear trainers rather than shoes.

Amish females never cut their hair. There is but one hair-style - a parting down the middle with the hair tied back in a bun to one side. They wear neither make-up nor jewellry.

Amish dress - Male

Male attire is equally sombre - a plain black jacket and matching trousers, a white or self-coloured shirt and black shoes. Men, too, have prescribed headwear - in Summer a straw hat and in Winter a black felt hat. The hat is worn at all times in public - though the definition of "public" is somewhat narrower than ours.

Amish culture does not permit the use of zips. Accordingly the trousers have a flap at the front fastened by four buttons in two matching pairs - these are known as broad-fronted button-drop pants.

A relatively recent innovation has been the use of denim in clothing for farm-work.

Amish men are clean-shaven until the day they marry. They then cease shaving and grow a beard, but not a moustache. As with Amish women, individuality in dress is actively discouraged. The Amish derive much comfort from wearing a shared "uniform" that helps foster the community spirit that lies at the heart of their culture.

Transport

The Amish steer well clear of cars. They believe this method of transport will tempt then to journey away from the community to which they hold dear. Accordingly, transport is by means of horse and carriage, a frequent sight on the streets of Lancaster. They also avoid the use of rubber wheels - wood or iron is used instead.

Schooling

The Amish have established separate schools for their children, and these are recognised by State law. Teaching usually takes place in a single classroom with a young female teacher in charge.

State law also exempts the Amish from continuing in education beyond the age of fourteen. Instead, they learn vocational skills by working alongside their parents.

The Amish do not go on to higher education, though this has not affected either the sustainablility or prosperity of their community. Their services and products are much in demand and they are far more integrated into mainstream commercial life than may at first be believed. Amish furniture, in particular, is on sale throughout the east of America.

Religious structures

The Amish worship at home, rather than in churches - though a recent breakaway group, the Church Amish, are starting to construct permanent church buildings.

The Amish are organised into geographical districts, each comprising twenty-five families. Every district will have a deacon (who looks after administrative matters) and two ministers responsible for taking the Services and pastoral care.

There will be a bishop for each eight districts. The bishop is responsible both for administering the sacraments and for deciding the rules and regulations that determine day-to-day Amish life.

Services

Services take place once a fortnight and last up to three and a half hours. Often in Summer they take place in barns to avoid the stifling heat.

The Amish use the Martin Luther Bible translation and a traditional song-book called the Ausbund that is several centuries old. "Hoch deutsch" or "high German" is used throughout the Service.

The songs sound much like chants and there are two sermons. The first opens the Service and lasts twenty to thirty minutes. The second, and longer, sermon lasts between one to one and a half hours. In addition there are prayers (for which everyone kneels) and the reading of the Scriptures (for which everyone stands).

At the end of the Service there will be a fellowship meal. The elders eat first, the children eating later out of respect. Once the meal is over the elders will stay on in the house whilst the younger members of the congregation go outside for games, often meeting up with the youth from other, neighbouring districts. This often where young couples will get together.

Finally, everyone will get together again for a second meal, followed by singing, a favourite pastime for the Amish.

Marriage

Marriages are not arranged in the Amish community - indeed, there are safe-guards in place to make sure young Amish are not put under any parental pressure. The wedding itself takes place in the home and is on a large scale - two to three hundred guests is not unusual.

Once the couple are married the barn-building team sets to work. Unfortunately, as a consequence of the scarcity of land, it is no longer possible for every Amish couple to have their own farm. However, the barns are usually built close to the parents.

The barn-building team will consist of sixty to seventy men with specialist skills, supported by an equal number of women to cook and cater for the menfolk whilst they are at work. This community spirit is extended to the wider population. If a neighbour's barn blows down the Amish will provide a builiding team free of charge, leaving the owner just to meet the cost of the materials. The Amish believe this is part of their general community duty.

Baptism

The concept of adult believer baptism with informed choice is central to all anabaptists, of whom the Amish are a branch.

Accordingly, baptism will take place no earlier than age sixteen - the usual age being between eighteen and twenty-five. Contrary to popular belief the baptism is carried out by the simple pouring of water on the head - there is no requirement for full immersion.

Until baptism young people are not formally part of the Amish community. Accordingly, they enjoy much greater freedom than might be expected. Again, contrary to popular belief, there is no "year out" in the wider world - the individual always retains the choice as to which path to follow.

Of course, Amish children like all others will rebel against their parents. However, a very high proportion do indeed make the choice to join the community - recent estimates place the numbers making this choice at between 90 - 95%.

Funerals

When an Amish person dies the body will be taken first to an undertaker for embalming. It will then be brought back to the home for an official wake lasting two days. The funeral then takes place on the third day.

The design of the coffin is prescribed and the body is dressed in white to symbolise freedom from sin. The Amish do have graveyards and on the occasion of a funeral a special place will be made available for horses and carriages.

The Outside World

The Amish call everyone outside their community, "English", regardless of where they hail from. The outside world is viewed with some suspicion - the Amish follow a strict biblical model of being in, but not of, this world.

That said, there is far more integration than may first be thought. The Amish are increasingly involved with commercial activity that brings them in contact with the wider world. However, there are some things they continue to avoid - the most obvious of which is electricity.

Whilst they are happy to use batteries (and a torch is usually to be found on the bedside table) the Amish do not wish to be connected to the rest of the world on a permanent basis. They believe this will introduce too many worldly temptations. Accordingly, Amish homes remain free of computers, televisions, DVD players and other similar devices. They will also be illuminated by portable gas-lights rather than electricity.

Telephone usage

For similar reasons, the Amish will not have a telephone in the house - they believe this will disrupt the peace of family life. However, they will use the telephone. Normally it will be a communal facility, the telephone being housed in an outside shed. The monthly bill is then split between the participating families in accordance with usage.

Language

All Amish speak three languages - low German for everyday conversation, high German for Services and English for communicating with the outside world.

A typical Amish house

Amish houses are far less spartan than may be imagined. Whilst the style is simple, it is by no means austere or unattractive.

There are no photographs or paintings of family members - the Amish pay strict adherence to the Biblical command not to make graven images. Instead, they will often have brightly coloured family records displayed on the wall. This may be supplemented by calendars containing appropriate images and greeting cards.

Whilst there are no large vanity mirrors, the Amish do have small mirrors for grooming purposes. Houses have no central heating - what heat there is will be provided by the kitchen range. For this reason, the parents bedroom is normally downstairs closest to the warmth.

Traditionally, babies are kept in cribs in the parents' bedroom to assist the process of bonding. Older Amish view with some suspicion a growing practice amongst certain younger Amish to have nurseries.

The bathroom facilities will also be downstairs for reasons of practicality, the water being gravity-fed from water-towers. The kitchen will contain either a tradional range or a cooker powered by Calor gas. A recent innovation is the introduction of gas-powered refrigerators, which are readily available in the States as a consequence of the popularity of motorised homes.

Food in the kitchen will be mostly tinned or preserved. Few Amish today are totally self-sufficient and they do visit supermarkets to stock up. The likes of Walmart are keen to attract Amish custom and have even gone so far as to build special sheds to shelter their carriages and horses whilst they are shopping in the store.

The children's bedrooms will be upstairs. Boys rooms tend to be more austere than girls - the most decoration of all being reserved for teenage and older females. They may even be permitted simple curtains in addition to the traditional green window-blinds.

Amish children do play with toys, though clearly not computer games, TV sets, DVD and CD players etc.