A brief history of the electrofried lineage

Dear Browsers and Browserettes,

First, and most importantly, may we thank our very first visitors to this new (and already somewhat rambling) blog for their most kind comments and encouragement.

Honorary Life Membership

In recognition, the electrofrieds have voted unanimously to bestow on Samsarajade, Kaspar and Panama honorary life membership of the House and a key to the Executive Restroom Facilities.

For future reference, these are to be found adjacent to the Scullery - turn immediately left after Cook's patented mouse-trap and combination crumbly cheese dispenser, then look out for the two green doors.

Please do feel free to sample the extensive collection of toiletries whilst there. These include (in the case of Samsarajade and subsequent lady visitors) a small sample bottle of Aquamanda - an inexpensive but curiously alluring perfume of 70's origin which carries a distinctive orange citrus note. It was worn by the good lady electrofried in her youth and is guaranteed to drive the man of your life wild.

Gentlemen will be relieved to learn there are no corresponding complimentary sachets of Brut in their facilities.

And now - back to the blog!

At the request of Samsarajade, there now follows a brief history of the family line of electrofried. (If truth be known, it is not so much a line, more a squiggle - not unlike that adopted for several years by "the artiste formerly known as Prince".)

Research Sources

The history below is based on research from two seminal works, both of which have been retrieved by Fetlock the Butler from the extensive electrofried bibliotheque and soundly dusted down, namely:

• "On the Origin of the Species electrofried by Means of Natural Selection: or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life". (C. Darwind - publ. 24 November, 1859); and

• "A Brief History of Time Reloaded". (S.W. Hawklord - publ. 1 September, 1998).

Early Days

Rumour has it the very first appearance of an electrofried takes the form of a mysterious black-clad figure to be found in one of the more minor paintings at the Chauvet-Pont-d'Arc Cave in France.

Curiously, despite the fact the galleries were composed for the most part in the Paleolithic era, the figure would seem to be wearing a pair of Predator sun-glasses and holds in the right hand a glass vessel containing red tincture. Detailed scientific study suggest this may well be an early example or wine-making, possible Beaujolais Tres Nouveuax.

The Trail Goes Cold

The trail then goes cold for several millenia, only to resurface in an ancient shipping docket. This was located recently during an extensive refurbishment of the former offices of Ye Anciente P&O Lineum at the historic Cinque Port of Sandwich.

The docket reveals the entry to these sceptred isles of one Eli Trop-Fried, a Huguenot farmer fleeing his native France in wake of the Edict of Fontainebleu. His sole possessions on arrival were, apparently, a small jar of pickled onions, a French passe-en-porte and a crumpled pink broadsheet ("Le Sportive Rose") containing details of the latest Tournement de Boules.

All of these were carried through Customs in the mandatory clearview pigs-bladder wallet.

Military Service

We then fast forward a century or two for the next credible sighting of an electrofried during the Crimean War. Declassified Military Service Records disclose the existence of a French zouave by the name of Yves le Crowflied, a foot-soldier in the 3rd Trousered Dragoons. Yves was apparently responsible for the brewing of a malted milk-beverage used for restorative purposes by allied troops during the siege of Taganrog.

From there it is but a brief hop, skip and jump to the trenches of the First World War - not those of the Somme, but instead at Aldershot Barracks. Private Alex D. Fraid (objector unconscionable) holds the record to this very day for the quickest construction of an outside latrine, a skill it would seem has been passed down the generations of electrofried.

Beverages Again

The beverage link then re-appears with the end of hostilities and the award of a sales franchise by the nascent Horlicks Marketing Department following the death of founder, James Horlicks in 1921.

The lucky winner was Master Alistair Defrayed, who subsequently changed his name by deed poll to "electrofried" in order to put chasing creditors off the scent, the concept of the franchise proving to be a little too early in the history of modern commercial practice.

Black Monday and the Misfortunes of the House

Despite initial setbacks, the electrofrieds persevered in beverage promotion with ever-increasing success, amassing a not inconsiderable fortune in the process. That is, until the fateful day of 19 October 1987, otherwise known as "Black Monday".

In one single trading session the Dow Jones lost 22.6% of its value and an ill-advised punt on the malted beverage futures market by Great Uncle Electrofried nearly brought the House to its knees. Had it not been for an illicit and highly suspect off-market powder trade in a Gentlemens' Convenience behind Threadneedle Street all would have been lost. Even then, the House was reduced to a state of penury from which it is only just starting to emerge.

The Story to Date

And that, dear Browsers and Browserettes, just about brings us up to date. There is, of course, more to share with you concerning the current lineage - characters such as the Black Dowager, our darling children, maximouse, reallyfried and teenygoth - but time, and we suspect your waning interest, does not permit. Perhaps on another occasion, if we can tempt you to return to the House of Electrofried.

In the meantime thank you so much for your ongoing patronage - and remember, it's good to invite a friend to join you on your next visit to the House. Insanity is a thing best shared.

with cordial regards,

your humble servants

electrofried (mr and mrs)