The curious case of the imploding Victrola

Dear Browsers and Browserettes,

today, as can be seen from the graphic illustration above, things have gone steadily from bad to worse in the House of electrofried. If only I'd listened to teenygoth ...

"Loud, Proud and Home-Baked"

Regular visitors with a day-pass to the House will be aware of mrs electrofried's long-standing dj slot at the Little Wittering branch of the Women's Institute. "Loud, Proud and Home-Baked", or "LP+h", as it is now known amongst the cognoscenti, has become a veritable legend in the world of institutionary.

LP+h's loyal following extends well beyond the boundaries of the village. Revellers have, in the past, joined us from such far-flung exotic locations as Greater Wittering.

A jam to remember

On one memorable occasion, the hall even played host to a touring charabanc-party from the birthplace of the British WI movement - LLanfair PG, or, to give it its full name:

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

Regrettably, by the time the charabanc operator had announced, over the feedback-infested tannoy system, the full name of the touring party, mrs electrofried's slot was all but over.

Had it not been for the timely arrival of the clotted cream teas, a small-scale disturbance seemed the inevitable conclusion to proceedings. Fortunately, all thoughts of riotous tumult were put to one side in the rush to score copious quantities of scone.

Even more fortuitously, this historic session was captured for posterity on the infamous limited-edition bootleg album, "Mrs electrofried meets the forces of Madge Watts in the House of Dub". The occasional copy can be found on E-Bay, and it commands a premium that frankly beggars belief.

Bangers and Mash

By custom and practice, LP+h usually takes centre stage at the Friday meeting of the Institute. Accordingly, mrs electrofried has been engaged most of the day in putting together her set-list for tomorrow.

Her favourite style of the moment is the "mash-up". Having discovered, from a stuffer in "Quilting Monthly and i-tunes", the black art of illegally combining otherwise unconnected songs in a rich melange of sound, mrs electrofried is regularly to be found hunched over the Remington Noiseless downloading MP3's from a variety of dubious wonderweb sites.

... and it was here it all started to go wrong.

Heed the warnings

Conscious that Friday was fast approaching and further melodies were still required for the set-list, I set off in search of teenygoth's MP3 player, certain in the knowledge it would be full to the gills with suitable material. As always, it was to be discovered beneath a mountainous heap of discarded garmentry and mould-encrusted table-ware.

"Leave it, Dad ... " protested the ever somnabulant teenygoth, "... you know you'll end up breaking it."

Undeterred, I seized the player and made off in the direction of the music room, screwdriver in hand.

The Overload

In just a few moments the front to the Victrola was off and I had it fire-wired to teenygoth's MP3 player with a length of flex purloined from the angle-poise in my study.

Just as I flicked the switch to initiate the download procedure mrs electrofried arrived, an accusative teenygoth in tow.

"Electrofried ... " she cried, "... not my Victrola??!!!"

Rewind, bo selecta

We did manage to put the flames out eventually. However, I fear we are in urgent need of some replacement valves and a new nickel-plated Horn Elbow. So once more, I find myself banished to the Tower as mrs electrofried and teenygoth seek to make good the damage.

Pray spare a thought for me as I ponder on the cruel events of the day. "Bo selecta, rewind", indeed!

yours as ever,

electrofried (mr)